Want Your Relationships To Last? Here's the Radical Truth No One Is Telling You
Discover the Secret to Lasting Love—It’s Not What You Think
Imagine this: You've finally found "the one." The person who completes you, the partner you've dreamt about since childhood. You're over the moon, basking in the glow of newfound love, convinced that this is it. And then, somewhere along the way, the dream starts to unravel. The person who once felt like your other half now feels like a stranger. The passionate spark has dulled to a flicker, and you're left wondering: What went wrong?
The truth is, over 50% of marriages end in divorce, and of those that remain, a significant number are not classified as happy. We grow up believing in the "You Complete Me" model, but what if that's the very mindset sabotaging your happiness? The premise that love should complete you is not just flawed—it’s the reason so many relationships are crumbling.
The "You Complete Me" Myth: Why It's Setting Us Up for Failure
We've been sold a fairytale: the idea that somewhere out there is a person who will make us whole. But this narrative is a trap. It assumes that we are incomplete, that someone else holds the missing pieces of our puzzle. When two people enter a relationship with this mindset, they’re like two unfinished projects expecting the other to provide the final touches. But instead of making magic, they often make a mess.
Here’s the uncomfortable truth: immature, dysfunctional humans don’t create perfect relationships. They create complicated ones. We each bring our baggage—our Misguided Unconscious Decisions (MUD) formed from past traumas, unhealed wounds, and dysfunctional patterns learned in our formative years. These unresolved issues become the invisible architects of our relationships, guiding us toward inevitable friction and disillusionment.
Breaking the Cycle: From "You Complete Me" to "You Grow Me"
The real work of relationships isn't about finding someone who completes you—it's about finding someone who challenges you to grow. This shift from "You Complete Me" to "You Grow Me" is crucial. The latter acknowledges that true partnership is not about filling in the gaps but about pushing each other to evolve into better, more mature versions of ourselves.
But here’s the kicker: growth is uncomfortable. It requires confronting parts of ourselves we'd rather avoid. It demands that we let go of old beliefs and patterns that no longer serve us, even if they feel safe.
The Truth About Relationship Maturity
Let’s be honest: most of us are emotionally stuck in our adolescent views of love and relationships. We carry forward the distorted lessons from our parents, peers, and society, painting entire genders with broad, misguided brushes. I can’t tell you how many women in their 40s I’ve dated who still believe men in their 40s and 50s are just out to get another notch on their belt. These kinds of beliefs aren’t just wrong—they’re destructive. They block us from seeing people for who they really are and keep us chained to past disappointments.
The Key to Making Long-Term Relationships Last
The relationship you have with others can never exceed the relationship you have with yourself. If you’re expecting a fairy tale without doing the hard work of personal growth, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. Here’s how to start making real, lasting change:
Acknowledge Your Baggage: Understand that the patterns you learned in your early years are likely holding you back. Misguided Unconscious Decisions (MUD) are powerful, but they can be reprogrammed.
Commit to Growth—Together: Instead of expecting your partner to complete you, see them as a mirror reflecting your strengths and weaknesses. Use that reflection to grow.
Balance Togetherness and Independence: Long-term relationships require a delicate balance of togetherness and personal space. Spend equal time nurturing the relationship and pursuing individual growth. Too much of either can lead to dependency or distance.
Explore New Paths with the EXPLORE Framework: Understanding and implementing the EXPLORE acronym can transform your relationship. It’s about continuously seeking new experiences, learning from them, and integrating those lessons into your partnership.
The EXPLORE Framework: Designing Growth-Enhancing Elements in Long-Term Relationships
How do you design growth-enhancing elements into relationships that last? I have a guiding framework and an acronym for that. It goes by the acronym EXPLORE:
E = Engaging
This means the activity requires some focus. It is not going to be something you can sleepwalk through. It is going to demand your attention. Whether it's a challenging game, a deep conversation, or a new skill you're learning together, engagement is key to keeping your relationship dynamic.
X = X-Factor
This means something unexpected, novel, or out of the ordinary. It should be something that allows you to say, "Yeah, this is not something I ever really thought about doing." Playing chess in the park with a stranger, skydiving, hiking an unfamiliar trail, or reading a different type of book—all these things fit the bill. Novelty keeps things fresh and exciting.
P = Penetrating
Get your head out of the gutter. Not that kind of penetrating. This means that it has the potential to forever alter the way you see the world. Great experiences seep deep into your psyche. If you want another P word, think of it as perception and perspective-altering. Travel, educational activities, and curated experiences are great for this. They change how you view life and each other.
L = Low-tech
Get off the apps and video games. It’s crazy to think about at this point, but even a day without your devices can hit almost every single one of these elements. Just a day with your partner with no devices would likely create an amazing experience, given we all rely so heavily on this stuff now.
O = Outside
Nature is more unpredictable, healthier, and beautiful. It hits a lot of these elements all by itself. Take a walk in nature, a nap in a field, or explore a new part of your city on foot. Being outside allows for spontaneous interaction and a break from the everyday routine.
R = Relational or Rogue
Relational means with other people. When you are with your partner, it means just you and them. You could also bring others along to join the two of you. And of course, this could speak to outings where you are on your own. It could still be relational when you are with other people who are not your partner. If you are engaging in the experiment alone, just change that R to Rogue. This indicates this is a solo experience and you still get to explore all the other aspects of great experiences.
E = Enriching
This means it imparts a new insight, lesson, or understanding that serves to grow you and your partner. An enriching experience should stay with you long after it is over. The best experiences grow you and your partner, whether you share the experience or are simply bringing back the insights and learnings to the relationship dynamic.
Final Thoughts: Transforming Love into a Growth Journey
Long-term relationships aren’t about avoiding conflict or finding the perfect person. They’re about embracing the journey of growth—both individually and together. It’s time to discard the "You Complete Me" myth and adopt a "You Grow Me" mindset. This is the key to not just surviving but thriving in love.
Remember, the relationship you have with another can never exceed the relationship you have with yourself. Invest in your growth, and watch your relationship transform into something beautiful and lasting.
Ready to change your love life? Dive deeper into the "You Grow Me" philosophy with my book, You Grow Me. Discover how to turn your relationships into powerful catalysts for personal growth. Get your copy on Amazon today!
Know someone who needs to hear this? Forward this article to a friend, and let's start a conversation about what it really takes to make love last.