The Next Level Human (Part 1)
Playing the game you were created to play
I am standing in line at a Whole Foods. I am in a hurry, and I am annoyed. So are the other people in line. I don’t know exactly the hold up, but I can look around and see the store is short on staff. There are only three lanes open. I am thinking to myself someone must not have showed up for work. Lucky for me I am third in line in my lane. There are probably 5 people behind me and three in front of me. The cashier quickly checks out the first person. That leaves two people ahead of me. A guy who looks roughly my age directly in front of me and a very elderly lady who could easily be in her nineties now at the cash register.
The person checking her out is a young man in his early twenties with dreadlocks and a wide smile. He scans her first item, and the elderly lady gets confused. She tells him the item he just scanned is not hers. Then she asks him what it is. He calmly tells her, “it’s an avocado mam. Do you not want it?” This is just the beginning of an agonizingly slow process of scanning items and then removing them only to add them again based on the confusion of a woman struggling with failing mental faculties. As you can imagine those of us in line start getting a little shifty. That then turns to agitation and finally to full-blown annoyance. This goes on for what feels like 5 minutes— a ridiculously long eternity to be standing in line.
The guy in front of me turns around and says to me under his breath, “can you believe this shit?” His annoyance has now turned to anger. I am also in awe, although I am no longer watching the old woman, but rather the young man checking her out. I reply to the guy in front of me and say, “yeah, but look how amazing this guy is.” We both turn around and begin watching the young man at the cash register.
He is now happily bantering back and forth with the elderly woman. He is smiling and seems oblivious to the hostile feelings from the others in his line. Instead, he is so sweet, patient, and kind to the woman struggling in front of him. He begins to playfully hold items up to her before he scans them. Describing them in delicious detail. “Wow, look at these oranges.” He says, “What do you think about these? You can eat them; you can juggle them.” He then squeezes them releasing some of the essence into the air. “They can be air fresheners. You can even use them for self-defense” as he pretends to throw them at someone across the floor and squirt orange rind juice in his own eye as he squints and blinks. The lady in front of him is smiling and laughing. She tells him she definitely wants the oranges.
He is so present with her and so in his zone of purpose that everyone else in line quickly sees their anger and annoyance dissipate. Now we are all smiling and laughing. The guy in front of me starts bagging groceries for the cashier laughing harder than anyone else. It turns into one of the most fun, entertaining, and beautiful moments of connection among a bunch of strangers. I am in awe of this young kid and how he just showed up for another human who was confused and unsure.
When it was finally my turn, the cashier looked at me and said, “I’m really sorry for the wait.” I said, “are you kidding me man? That is the most touching amazing thing I think I have ever seen. You just changed the whole day for all of us.” He looked a little confused at first and then he smiled and said “thank you. You know I just saw my grandmother in her. I don’t know what it’s like to lose your memory, but I watched it happen to my grandmother and it was devastating. I just wanted her not to be scared. We have to look out for each other you know?”
I will never forget this very simple and beautiful moment from my life. A barely twenty-something kid at a check-out line taught me and all the other “adults” in his line what it meant to be a human. He used his signature strengths of humor, wit, and compassion, along with the lessons he learned from the pain of watching his grandmother suffer. He then turned a shitty situation into one of the most beautiful, memorable & educational moments for everyone who witnessed it. It wasn’t because he was famous, or brilliant or good looking or rich. It is how he showed up authentically as himself to aid and enrich others. This is what Next Level Humans do, they use their pain to heal others. They put their strengths to use for something beyond themselves. They look to give not get. They see themselves as connected to others and work to make the world a little brighter in only the way they can. And they do all this without a need to be recognized or congratulated.
A Next Level Father
Jim was 17 years old, just out of high school and apprehensive about what to do with his life. He was a great athlete in high school but was not exactly a top-rated or enthusiastic student. He went to his dad and asked, “I am concerned about what comes next? Should I go to college? “Go get a job?” His father looked at him and said, “College isn’t for you, go into the military.” It was a predictable response from Jim’s father. It wasn’t that he thought his son was dumb, or incapable, it was just he didn’t think much about it in general. Jim’s father was too preoccupied with his own worries and could not always be present in the way Jim may have benefitted from.
Even though Jim had an interest in letters from his time working in a print shop, he took his father’s advice and went into the military. It was not without its advantages. Jim learned to be regimented, to be self-sufficient, to work hard and found he could definitely rely on his physical prowess. In the military, he was in ordnance, which meant he was lifting, hauling, and straining by lifting bombs and loading munitions on and off of airplanes. It spoke to his toolset and his physical strength. His physical confidence was bolstered, but his psychological spirit was stifled.
He was lucky in a sense. He finished his tour in the Navy just prior to the Vietnam War. He then tried to go back to school for a time but found once again it was a struggle. Using his Dad’s connections, he got a job working for a company that built airplanes for the military. His boss told him he should get involved in the brand-new field of computer programming. Jim was skeptical and resistant as this meant studying math and passing a test. He declined. But his boss got him a complete copy of the entrance exam containing all the correct answers. He took the test and passed.
He remained unsure, but once he got into the work, he found it was not difficult at all. He thrived given his strong work ethic. But he did not love it. It did not speak to him or fill his heart with anything he craved. He was drinking heavily at the time. It was not done out of a way to suppress the meaninglessness of his job. He also was not an alcoholic in the typical way it is described. He looked to the culture-level pleasures many of us fall into. Drinking was a social thing for Jim. It was the way he socialized and connected with his friends. It was how he unwound from a job that was just work and nothing more.
The drinking got heavier and was even comical at times. At home with their four young children, his new wife would find him staggering into the house late in the evening. Sometimes she would find him asleep in the car in the driveway. Once he woke up on his front stoop as the neighbors were beginning their days. This was not the consumption of an alcoholic; it was a symptom of the culture-level mindset of someone who was not thinking about deeper purpose or meaning for life.
One day his wife gave him a wake-up call. She knew he loved her and she loved him. He took care of her financially. He was gentle and kind but also let his work, the alcohol, and perhaps his lack of real fulfillment make him unintentionally neglect to connect at home. She told him that she was managing the family all by herself and admitted that perhaps money was not enough. She needed him more present and to be a better partner in raising their kids.
That conversation turned something around in Jim. As he reflects on it in hindsight, he realizes he was not conscious of the turnaround at the time, but it was the beginning of a change for him. He loved his family. He adored his wife. He started to reflect more and more on what he wanted for his family and his kids. He asked his wife, “what do you want for our kids?” She replied that her one dream is that they could all go to college and do something they wanted. To have an education and opportunity neither of them had. Jim simply replied, “I can do that.” He then went to work on his new project, which would turn into his real vocation in life— being Father.
He moved the family out of the big city and went down South. He left his drinking buddies behind. He went to an area of the country completely foreign to him. It was culture shock. Everything changed, but he knew he needed it that way. Something felt right about it and made sense. For the first time he was becoming more conscious and following his intuition. The new job he had was the same work he had been doing. Nothing special. Nothing he loved. Just something that paid the bills. It was no matter to him. He was grateful for the work and a paycheck. For him that was all that was required, for his goal of sending his kids to college.
He started cooking for the family. He started cutting his kids hair. He went to most every sports practice and game. He took an extra half hour at lunch to be with his wife. He chose work hours that got him up at an ungodly hour so that he could get to the office and then be home early to be with his kids. Alcohol turned into a once-in-a-while thing. Culture-level pursuits were becoming less important and less required.
Something else started shifting in him. He was humble but surprised to see that other people looked to him for guidance. They saw a sense of steadiness and pride that made them reach out to him. He was friendly, confident, amazingly present with his children, and loved his wife, supporting her in starting a business. His life became mostly about other people. His role of father starter to morph into a much larger patriarchal avatar. He took in his troubled nieces and nephews. His wife had a dysfunctional family that left a wake of broken spirits and troubled minds without places to call home.
His wife’s sister lived with the family for a time. He housed the children of his and his wife’s siblings for long periods. There were nieces and nephews, cousins, and in-laws. His home became a revolving door of people who he fathered one after the other. They were beneficiaries of his generous spirit and solid work ethic. He always took the form of the father that was needed. Some people needed a pat on the back and encouragement. Others needed a firm hand and a tough truth. Others just financial support.
Regardless he provided them one form of support or another. He used his middle-class finances to spend on others. He always made choices to give rather than saving for himself. He did this despite the fact he lacked formal education, the rising cost of living, and being passed by for promotions meant his financial status was on a slow decline from middle-class to lower middle-class.
He was not fully conscious of what he was doing. But in hindsight, he concedes that perhaps his job was simply a way to finance his purpose. All of us humans need passion, meaning and purpose. Passion is something you enjoy. Meaning is a way you feel like you matter. It’s what the world gives to you. Purpose is much deeper— it’s the gift you give to the world. As Jim became father to others, not just his own children, he transcended the meaning he derived from raising his own kids and elevated the fatherly role to one of purpose.
Being a parent to one’s own children is noble and beautiful. However, parenting can never be purpose, it is always only meaning. Other people, including your children, can deliver meaning, but what happens when they grow up or disappear? Being a parent to your own kids is one thing, but it is nothing compared to taking on the role of father for those for which there are no family ties at all.
He volunteered as a coach. Drove into the inner cities to bring kids to practice. Took them to his house, fed them with food and nurtured them with a masculine energy few ever knew.
Eventually, he did send his kids to college. It was a promise he made to himself 20 years previous. He did it while taking loans, never spending on lavish things for himself, refinancing his house multiple times and using his entire retirement. He continued to be there for his in-law’s children too. The kids he coached, who were now grown— and friends of his children who ran into hard times. He helped adult acquaintances and friends learn to manage finances, write checks, and manage the confusing home buying business. These were not financial investments but rather deep investments of time and support. There always seemed to be someone at his house who had a roof over their head, warm Italian food in their bellies, a friend— and more than that, a father figure to lean on.
When a friend of his sons got into financial trouble in his early forties, Jim took him in for over a year to help him get back on his feet. Few would ever consider that sacrifice, but for Jim, it was just a natural thing to do.
Jim kept little for himself. He had a meager bank account, but the coffers of his generosity account were overflowing. He was universally admired and cherished. As he aged, his children’s now middle-aged friends would show up at the door to say hi to their “other dad” introducing him to their kids. Some even called him Dad. He would bring them in, make them his famous Italian pasta sauce, and just love on them the way he always had.
Jim is now in his late 70s. He never loved his vocation or was a culture-level success financially, but he came to understand riches few ever achieve. He was beyond grateful for the paycheck his job had provided, but his real job was to be Dad —not just to his kids, but to all the people who were left with the pain of not having their own father figure who could or would be there for them.
Jim teaches a lesson about success that is entirely missed by base-level and culture-level humans. Success is not about trophies and accolades. It’s not about money or status, either. It’s not about winning and keeping others down. Success is about bringing your signature strengths to the world and sharing them freely without the need for acknowledgment or reciprocation. Success is about creating a purpose and following through with it. It’s about manifesting something you are uniquely suited to do and then giving it away to benefit others. This is the path to fulfillment and joy and the reason it escapes most humans on this planet.
Jim is a man who lived his entire life in support of others. He is the rock on top of which the river flows, a catalyst for others to understand love and be supported so they can realize their own purpose and dreams.
As I write this about Jim, I am in awe of his generosity and selflessness. I know him personally. He is the only male hero I have ever known in my life. I didn’t worship running backs, and basketball players, or celebrities. I worshipped Jim. He is my actual Dad, and I love that he represents a father figure to the world. He remains my hero and a source of guidance and strength everywhere I walk in the world. He is the epitome of the strong, powerful, loving, warm, humble man I strive to be.
Next Level Success
The two stories I told above, one about the young Whole Foods cashier and the other about my father, illustrate an important concept related to next-level humans and how they view the world.
Base level humans seek power and so they seek to dominate. They see the world as a game of win or lose, thrive or die, take advantage or be taken advantage of. To a base level human success is synonymous with dominating in whatever power structure they are engaged with. It’s a game of winning and accumulating as much of the winnings as possible.
For culture level humans it is about fitting in somewhere. They want to feel a sense of belonging. Acceptance allays their anxiety and makes them feel they have a place in the world. In this way, culture level humans are all about consensus. They seek consensus for their ideas and if they can’t find that they adjust like a chameleon in order to find that agreement with others by any means necessary. The major thing they seek is which group to be a part of and which game to play. They are not necessarily trying to win, they just don’t want to be left behind.
The idea of PMK (prom marriage kids) I introduced in the post on culture level humans, is a game of consensus. So is the phrase “keeping up with the Joneses.” In the modern era, the consensus about success has to do with accumulating money and things. It’s a game of material wealth.
If base level seeks individual domination and culture level desires group-based consensus, then what does next level success look like? For next-level humans, it’s a game of integration. How can one integrate their unique personality, pain, passions and superpowers to impact the world? And how can they do so while allowing both themselves and humanity as a whole to thrive.
If you are a reader of self-development books you may have noticed something unique about the stories I told so far. I did not tell you about famous historical figures, or popular cultural icons. I am not telling you stories about individuals who did amazing things or famous humans who furthered the evolution of one particular group or another. That’s because even those stories are filtered through the culture level consensus of who did great things and who did not.
Instead I am telling you stories of very ordinary humans who integrated their unique personal attributes along with the specific time and place in which they were alive to find fulfillment for themself and simultaneously make a difference for others.
The next level cashier was not looking at me and judging my medical degree against his bag-packing prowess. My father was not envious of his boss or wishing for a Mercedes. Both of these individuals simply defined for themselves how they would wield their unique energetics in the world and then they went out and did that. In doing so they felt in authentic alignment and were able to generate a sense of pride in who they were in the world, rather than who they are compared to or how they are measuring up as men in the world.
My father made a choice to be father in the world. Once he made that choice the game of success he was playing became wholly unique to him. He measured himself against a standard he set. He decided to occupy a unique place in the ecosystem of human society. It was his choice, his strength, and his intention. When he looks back at his life now, he can feel a sense of pride because he knows he did the job he chose to do, and he did it well.
My father is successful not because he beat someone else or society deems him so. He is successful because he integrated his unique life experience with his quintessential strengths and set and intention to be a that specific thing in the world. He then went to work being it. In the end he found fulfillment and joy without any need to beat anyone or fit in to societal dictates of what a successful man is or isn’t.