It's Not You, It's Me. The Truth About Relationships
How Our Hidden Stories Sabotage Love—and How to Break Free
Introduction: A Familiar Pain
We’ve all been there—sitting across from someone we love, hearing those dreaded words: “It’s not you; it’s me.” The phrase lands like a punch to the gut, leaving us questioning everything. Are they sparing our feelings, or are they just hiding the real reason?
The truth is both simpler and more profound: it really isn’t about you—except when it is. Relationships are shaped by the unconscious stories we carry about ourselves and the world. These stories, which we may not even realize we’re telling, dictate how we show up in love, who we choose, and what we tolerate.
These stories are what I call MUD—Misguided Unconscious Decisions. Formed during moments of pain, betrayal, or loss, our MUD creates hidden patterns that guide our behaviors and choices. Until we uncover and rewrite these narratives, we’ll keep repeating the same relationship struggles, wondering why nothing ever changes.
MUD: The Hidden Force Behind Romantic Patterns
What Is MUD?
MUD is the collection of unconscious decisions we make during pivotal moments of vulnerability—especially in childhood, adolescence, or past relationships. These decisions create beliefs about our worth, safety, and ability to connect. Over time, they harden into a framework that shapes our behaviors in love.
For example:
A child who feels abandoned may unconsciously decide, “I’m unworthy of consistent love.”
A teen betrayed by a friend may decide, “Trusting others leads to pain.”
An adult cheated on by a partner may decide, “Love always ends in betrayal.”
These decisions often lie beneath the surface, influencing us in ways we don’t recognize. They determine:
Why we’re drawn to certain people (even when they’re wrong for us).
Why we tolerate certain behaviors (even when they hurt us).
Why we keep repeating the same cycles (even when we want to change).
Them and You: The Paradox of Relationships
Why It’s Always About Them
When someone chooses to leave a relationship, their decision is almost always rooted in their MUD. Their unconscious stories dictate their emotional reactions, fears, and desires.
For example:
A partner who pulls away emotionally might be replaying a story of “Vulnerability leads to rejection.”
Someone who cheats might be acting out a belief of “I’m unworthy of stable love.”
Even when they say, “It’s not about you,” they’re right—it’s about the inner narratives they’re navigating. But here’s the thing: these stories feel real to them. They believe their discomfort is caused by external factors (you), rather than recognizing the role of their unconscious MUD.
Why It’s Also About You
While their behavior reflects their MUD, your reaction reflects yours. Relationships are mirrors—they show us our own unconscious patterns. If you’ve felt undervalued, anxious, or alone in relationships, it’s worth asking: What story am I telling myself that allows this?
For instance:
A person who believes, “I’m not good enough,” may tolerate neglect or mistreatment.
Someone with a story of abandonment might cling too tightly, creating the very distance they fear.
This is the paradox: while their decision to leave isn’t about you, your patterns—how you react, who you attract, what you tolerate—always are.
Breaking the Cycle: Understanding and Rewriting Your MUD
To break free from unconscious patterns, you first need to understand them. Here’s how:
1. Identify Your MUD
Ask yourself:
What patterns keep repeating in my relationships?
When did I first feel this way?
Look for early moments of pain, rejection, or betrayal that might have shaped your beliefs. For example:
A breakup that left you feeling inadequate.
A childhood memory of feeling overlooked or ignored.
A partner’s betrayal that created a lasting fear of trust.
2. Own Your Role
This isn’t about blame—it’s about empowerment. Recognizing your MUD allows you to take control of your narrative. Instead of saying, “Why does this always happen to me?” ask, “What story am I living that makes this possible?”
3. Rewrite the Story
Your MUD isn’t set in stone. You can rewrite it by challenging the beliefs that no longer serve you. For example:
Replace, “I’m unworthy of love,” with, “I deserve consistent, unconditional love.”
Replace, “Love always ends in betrayal,” with, “I can choose partners who value trust and honesty.”
4. End the Pattern
In relationships you don’t get what you deserve, you get what you tolerate. Life has an uncanny way of presenting you with perfectly imperfect scenarios. The person who checks all the boxes, is essentially perfect for you and yet behaves in that one way you promised you would never tolerate again. Will you be able to walk away or will you once again jump into the pattern? If you want the pattern to end, there is only one choice.
Emotional Narratives: Stories That Transform
To bring these concepts to life, let’s look at two examples.
Story 1: Emma’s MUD of Self-Blame
Emma always finds herself in relationships with emotionally unavailable partners. When her boyfriend of two years leaves, he tells her, “I’m not ready for commitment.” Emma feels crushed and assumes the breakup is her fault.
But a deeper look reveals her pattern. Emma grew up feeling unseen by her parents. Her MUD, formed in childhood, tells her she’s not enough. This belief draws her to people who confirm the story—partners who can’t fully commit.
Emma’s healing begins when she recognizes this pattern. By addressing her MUD, she learns to value herself and set higher standards for the love she accepts.
Story 2: David’s MUD of Control
David, on the other hand, keeps pushing away caring partners. His latest girlfriend leaves after he accuses her of being too clingy. She says, “I just can’t make you happy.” David is frustrated—he feels like every relationship ends the same way.
David’s MUD stems from a betrayal in his early twenties. Cheated on by a past partner, he developed a narrative that vulnerability leads to pain. To protect himself, he keeps emotional walls up and blames his partners when they seek connection.
David’s breakthrough comes when he realizes his anger isn’t about his girlfriends—it’s about his fear. By rewriting his story, he begins to embrace vulnerability and transform how he approaches love.
Final Thoughts: Love as a Growth Journey
Relationships are never just about love—they’re about growth. They’re mirrors, reflecting our hidden stories and showing us where we still need to heal.
When you understand that breakups aren’t personal—but are still profoundly meaningful—you step into your power. By uncovering and rewriting your MUD, you transform your relationships from sources of pain into opportunities for growth.
So, the next time you hear, “It’s not you; it’s me,” remember: that’s not an excuse. It’s the truth. And it’s your invitation to step into the next level of your personal evolution.