From Hurt to Hero: Transform Your Pain into Power
How Next Level Humans Turn Suffering into Strength
The Villain, The Victim, and The Valliant Victor
“I can’t believe she did that to me. She knew I did not want anyone to know about that, and she told everyone anyway. I feel so betrayed. She always does this. Whenever I am going through a tough time, she uses it to undermine me, turns my friends against me, and makes me look bad in front of everyone.”
Lori is beside herself and will not calm down. She feels betrayed by her younger sister, who she believes is manipulative and conniving. She is venting to me and is unable to control her emotional outbursts.
I have talked to her sister, Lexi, as well. From Lexi’s perspective, Lori is a spoiled brat who has always gotten everything she ever wanted. She does not come out and say it, but it is apparent to me that Lexi is incredibly jealous of Lori. I have been in group settings with Lexi when Lori was not around and have noticed how Lexi is constantly and subtly putting Lori down or portraying her in a negative light. I am not sure Lexi is consciously aware of it, but she seems to be in some imaginary battle with Lori.
In this scenario, can you tell the dynamics? Who is the base level sister? Who is the culture level sister? Are either one of them operating from their next-level tendencies? If not, how might they begin?
I am presenting this scenario to you because as we begin to move to more next-level ways of being, we need to understand a few things. Many people think next-level behavior is about kindness. It is, but it is also about knowing when to defend oneself. Remember, next-level behavior is always simultaneously in support of self and others. There is a recognition that comes from this integration that says, "I must always be the experience and example for the world, and that means I can never be the villain or the victim; I must always be the victor."
When shitty things happen to us, we have one of three choices: the villain (the hurt person who hurts people and the base level strategy), the victim (the hurt person who makes the injury part of their identity, the culture level way), and the victor (the hurt person who helps people). This is the next-level human way—taking our hurt and using the lessons as a way to help others. This is the way of the next-level human: to learn, to teach, and to love. The best teacher is our suffering, and we can learn its lessons and then use those learnings to teach others so they can avoid our same pain or handle it better. We can love by creating useful things for others as a result.
Sometimes being a victor and doing the right thing means disengaging and defending oneself from those who are not doing the right thing. These three types of behavior—the villain, the victim, and the victor—are helpful in determining how to be.
There is a common culture level refrain that labels people as toxic. A next-level human mentality rejects this notion entirely. It’s not that they don’t understand the toxic behavior of others; it's that they realize if they voluntarily expose themselves to that behavior, then they are the toxic ones. Part of integrating self and others is about always and only being in support of your individual best self and the next-level self of everyone else. A next-level human does not participate in victim-level thinking and does not engage with base-level humans whose primary modality of interacting is to be the villain.
Being a victor means taking the virtuous path by rejecting the base-level villain mentality as well as the culture-level victim mentality. The next-level way is best described as valiant. Valiant is a term that describes courage, and that indeed is what it takes. The next-level human makes themselves vulnerable through direct, honest, and authentic communication. They often open up to individuals as a first move, rather than close off. The law of charity dictates next-level behavior gives people the benefit of the doubt. But courageous vulnerability goes two ways. On the one hand, a next-level human will courageously make the first move towards reconciliation but also has the courage to disconnect completely from toxic behavior if that’s what it takes. And of course, a victim mentality is in direct opposition to courageousness. Next-level humans always take full responsibility for their mental state. They know a toxic relationship cannot exist without their participation.
In the scenario above, Lexi is the base-level human. The dead giveaway is that she behaves as if she is in a battle with her sister Lori. She wants to win, and she wants Lori to lose. She is working to undermine her sister, using every perceived weakness against her. She is also always seizing any advantage to make herself look good and her sister look bad. Lexi is attempting to win; she is operating from villain mentality.
Lori is the culture-level sister. Everything is seen through the lens of how her sister is hurting her, undermining her, betraying her, manipulating her. And yet, Lori keeps interacting with her sister. Keeps sharing things with her sister and continues to keep Lexi’s energetics close at hand. Of course, this is understandable. In my past, I have had many people like this in my life. In a few relationships as a young man, I even behaved a lot like Lexi.
When you move to the next-level operating system of being valiant, it means stepping into courageous vulnerability and radical responsibility. If you want the relationship to change, you do the work required to change it. The next-level human always and only keeps things with themselves.
The next-level human does not see toxicity out there; they see the toxicity within themselves. Culture-level individuals always take the victim mindset—“things are happening to me, and I am helpless.” The next-level human mindset says, "I am responsible for what I expose myself to and allow into my sphere of awareness. Life happens, but I happen back. I have tools like avoidance, disconnection, and boundaries to eliminate exposure to that which does not serve me."